Wat wordt bedoeld, is niet zoals ik
by Aragornevenstar4eva
Summary: Song fic written for the challenge on xoxLewrahxox's Forum. During the death-eater meeting at the beginning of DH, Lucius reflects.


Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns everything related to Harry Potter, Bruce Springsteen owns the song.

A/N: If this is awful, please tell. It's my first published fanfic, and I have not had a beta reader. Written for challenge 3 on xoxLewrahxox's Forum: Bellatrix Lestrange – The Dark Lord's most favourite:

**Songfics. Choose a song that you feel relates to the Death Eaters and their families, or the HP world in general. Write a 100-word or 500-word drabble inspired by the song. It might be a good idea to provide the lyrics that inspired you.**

This is told from the POV of Lucius, during the death-eater meeting at the beginning to the Deathly Hallows where he gives Voldemort his wand.

**Wat wordt bedoeld, is niet zoals ik**

_The screen door slams  
Mary' dress waves  
Like a vision she dances across the porch  
As the radio plays_

I look at my wife sat opposite. Wondering what has become o f us. Well me to be precise, but I define her. It's still the time old tradition to judge a whole family by its patriarch. I know my son used that to his advantage when he was younger. I wish now that I could still sort it out his life for him. And for her, my wife. At little voice in my brain says '_for me_' but I know I don't deserve an easy life, after everything I've done. I remember at time, before I went to Azkaban, before the re-opening of the chamber of secrets, before Draco started school, or before he was even born, before the first war – the time me and Cissa started dating. She used to look like an angel, when she danced at all the school balls, and I felt so lucky just to be able to dance with her. When I was that age, I had wanted to be a death eater, unaware of the full life-style. I guess my father was right when he told me 'ignorance is bliss'. I should have been in a permanent state of orgasm when I talked about how fantastic the opportunity would be.

_Roy Orbison singing for the lonely  
Hey that's me and I want you only  
Don't turn me home again  
I just can't face myself alone again  
Don't run back inside  
Darling you know just what I'm here for  
So you're scared and you're thinking  
That maybe we ain't that young anymore  
Show a little faith there's magic in the night  
You ain't a beauty but hey you're alright  
Oh and that's alright with me_

Is it really too late now? Well, for now yes, whilst he-who-must-not-be-named is residing in my house. But how long will he stay here? I dread to think, of the answer where he stays here forever. As much as I dislike Potter, I hope he succeeds at the task of defeating he-who-must-not-be-named. I know I will be sent to Azkaban, but Azkaban is honestly better than this. I know it will still be horrible for Narcissa and Draco but at least they'd be able to breathe easy and they could always visit. I don't care if I lose my money, my house, my reputation, my freedom, but I can't lose my wife and son.

_You can hide 'neath your covers  
And study your pain  
Make crosses from your lovers  
Throw roses in the rain  
Waste your summer praying in vain  
For a saviour to rise from these streets  
Well now I'm no hero  
That's understood  
All the redemption I can offer girl  
Is beneath this dirty hood  
With a chance to make it good somehow  
Hey what else can we do now ?  
Except roll down the window  
And let the wind blow  
Back your hair._

When he-who-must-not be named announced he was going to be using Malfoy Manor as his base of operations, I had to crazy idea that this was some honour he was bestowing me – I didn't realise just how far out of his 'good books', as such, I had fallen. I didn't realise how much we'd suffer. And not only me and my son, who are technically death eaters. Cissa was never marked, but she is still expected to attend meetings, and is subject to the same rules… the same punishments. Also Bellatrix is treated with contempt and is lower in the death eater circle because of her relationship to me. Good God, she was vocal in letting me know what she thought of that. The swear words are still ringing around my head. But I know Bellatrix will rise through the circle again, it's not really her failings that have caused her to be where she is after all.

_Well the night's busting open  
These two lanes will take us anywhere  
We got one last chance to make it real  
To trade in these wings on some wheels  
Climb in back  
Heaven's waiting on down the tracks  
Oh-oh come take my hand  
We're riding out tonight to case the promised land  
Oh-oh Thunder Road oh Thunder Road  
Lying out there like a killer in the sun  
Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run  
Oh Thunder Road sit tight take hold  
Thunder Road_

I can't do much, but I can do small things. I will begin to defect. I will save my family. And I don't care what happens to me. But, merely seconds after I make this resolution, as if fate is mocking me, he-who-must-not-be-named requests me to loan him my wand, and with the look on the face Narcissa I can't refuse.

_Well I got this guitar  
And I learned how to make it talk  
And my car's out back  
If you're ready to take that long walk  
From your front porch to my front seat  
The door's open but the ride it ain't free  
And I know you're lonely  
For words that I ain't spoken  
But tonight we'll be free  
All the promises'll be broken  
There were ghosts in the eyes  
Of all the boys you sent away  
They haunt this dusty beach road  
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets  
They scream your name at night in the street  
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet  
And in the lonely cool before dawn  
You hear their engines roaring on  
But when you get to the porch they're gone  
On the wind so Mary climb in  
It's town full of losers  
And I'm pulling out of here to win_

A/N – please review, constructive criticism is much needed. Without lyrics, the word count is 508. Sorry Eve, please forgive me. 'Wat wordt bedoeld, is niet zoals ik' is dutch and means something along the lines of ' What is meant, is not like me'. The point of Lucius calling Voldemort 'he-who-must-not-named' is because in the OOTP, Harry points out to Snape, that only death-eaters call Voldemort 'The Dark lord' and I wanted to show how Lucius is starting to identify less with the death-eater view point.

Thanks for reading.


End file.
